Harriette Cole: ‘Gentle parenting’ is not going to solve this kid’s problem

DEAR HARRIETTE Retired licensed psychotherapist specializing in children and families here Related Articles Harriette Cole The wedding is canceled and she won t tell me why Harriette Cole My friend is so secretive about her life that it hurts my feelings Harriette Cole I called my friend out for acting strange and she left the party Harriette Cole It s unfair that my ex-girlfriend explained me to move out Harriette Cole I thought we were talking as friends He tried to bill me With regard to Out-of-Control Toddler the parent struggling with a toddler who has started hitting there is now much empirical evidence to suggest that the gentle parenting that your advice reflects is ineffectual especially for toddlers and especially with regard to hitting others The goal is not only to extinguish these behaviors but to concurrently teach conscience rise personal accountability and responsibility for one s actions which in turn develops empathy for others and aids in emotional regulation With all due respect in the episode of hitting others what triggers the hitting behavior is irrelevant Children need to learn expeditiously that no matter what anyone does to make them angry hitting another person is unacceptable and if left unchecked can end in serious legal issues if a child goes home with bruises or a bloody nose First of all I am assuming that there are no other children in the house In interactions with others especially siblings children learn that hitting others is off-limits as parents are usually present to observe and intervene When there are no siblings I would highly suggest that this parent invite other same-age children to the house for supervised playdates In this way the child can learn coping mechanisms at home For example if the friend takes a toy away from the child and the child hits in return the parent should take their child aside and say We don t ever hit other people The child might say Well they took my toy and the parent should reply with I know that makes you angry and what they did wasn t nice but when we are angry we never hit anyone We use our words to tell them that it wasn t nice but we never ever hit Then let the kids work it out under parental supervision After the other child goes home the parent should talk to the toddler Let them know that when someone does something mean or hurtful to them it is OK and normal to feel hurt and angry but no matter what they did it is never OK to hit them Say Let s think and practice how you can use your words next time instead of hitting because hitting is unacceptable This will take time of syllabus but repetition is key If this behavior continues it could have serious legal ramifications for the child and family Professional Insight Related Articles Dear Abby The other grandmother was treated better than me and I fought back Asking Eric My husband says I m being mean to the neighbor Am I in the wrong Harriette Cole The wedding is canceled and she won t tell me why Miss Manners My fiance s family is upset about the wedding gift situation Dear Abby My -year-old wants to go live in another state DEAR PROFESSIONAL INSIGHT AND OTHERS WHO WROTE IN ABOUT THIS SCENARIO This is such an crucial topic and such a poignant response that I decided to give it space rather than shorten your input Teaching children not to hit or fight is essential in our lifestyle and may be complex for selected children Your modeling advice is helpful A parent s job is critical in a situation like this as the child must learn proper behavior Partnering with the coach and other school leadership is also fundamental so that the child s behavior can be addressed in the moment Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams You can send questions to askharriette harriettecole com or c o Andrews McMeel Syndication Walnut St Kansas City MO